bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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