She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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