I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
