oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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