My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
