I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
