The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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