Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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