I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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