the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
