Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
