In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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