I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
