I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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