You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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