How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
