i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
