You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
