My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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