i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
