I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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