i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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