I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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