All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
