dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
