the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
