DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize