Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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