Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
