You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
