I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i was born a porn star she said
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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