god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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