I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
