Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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