you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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