atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
