just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
