yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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