Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
