I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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