false alarm. still invincible.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
