Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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