Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
