Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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