Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
