community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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