I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
