Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
