Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
