Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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