I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dicks are not precious.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
