You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
