the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
