i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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