allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My dick has a subreddit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
