remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
